God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
