"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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