I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
