If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
