Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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