Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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