Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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