3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
