shes about as inviting as chlamydia
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize