i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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