He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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