Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
