Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize