i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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