Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No subtext here. People are naked.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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