Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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