Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
