did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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