Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
