I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
