Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
