Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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