I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
