K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
