The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
