Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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