Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
