Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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