Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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