how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
