As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
