i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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