There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
