Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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