Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
