I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize