I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh god it's open bar.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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