i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well I just put wine in my tea
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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