someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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