...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
