totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
