Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
