i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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