She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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