i think my tv is drunk
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
