Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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