he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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