I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
