help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
