i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
