Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
