i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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