mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
