Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
