Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
