I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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