My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
