I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
