you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
