FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
