We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
