um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
